


With Friends Like These

by Artemis_Day



Category: Captain America (Movies), Hellsing, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Drabble Collection, F/M, Headcanon, Humor, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki and Alucard are BFFs, Poor Everyone, poor jane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-06-07 12:11:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6803584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Day/pseuds/Artemis_Day
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One is a would-be world conquering demigod prince who does what he wants.  The other's a bloodthirsty sociopathic vampire king with a gun.  Together, they fight crime!  ...okay, no they don't.  They just scare everyone half to death.  Collection of shorts revolving around my headcanon that Loki and Alucard would be friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dinner Date

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been thinking for a really long time that if Loki and Alucard knew each other, they would be good friends, and it would be either the most awesome or the most terrifying thing ever. Possibly both. But anyway, I've written two drabbles based on this headcanon. If I write more, I will update this, but for now, consider it complete.

“So tell me…” Jane inched the plate covered in a suspicious green and black substance away with her fork.  Then she looked at her fiancee and their host.  “How did you two become friends again?”  
  
Their host was a tall man in a black suit jacket with a red button up shirt underneath.  Round black sunglasses covered his eyes from view, but at times they were transparent, and Jane could catch blood red hues staring wildly in all directions.  Worse yet was the man’s toothy grin that never faded.  She had heard about vampires having long fangs for biting necks with, but this guy had taken that to a logical extreme.  Every one of his teeth looked razor sharp, like they could rip through metal.   
  
Perhaps the most disconcerting thing about the man was simply the atmosphere that surrounded him.  When she’d first met Loki, she had found him intimidating like a vicious predator.  This man was a thousand times worse.  Every time he looked her way, it was like a huge target had been drawn on her forehead.  She could have already died and gone to hell for all she knew.  It didn’t help that the shadows on the wall literally moved on their own and occasionally grew eyes and teeth.  Loki could tell her all he wanted that it was just a parlor trick and his friend wouldn’t _really_ hurt her.  He said a lot of things that were untrue, so why the hell should she start believing him now just because she was going to marry him?  What difference did that make?  
  
“It’s a very interesting story,” said the vampire, his ever present grin growing wider.  His mouth was wide enough to devour her whole head in one bite.  
  
“You tell it far better than I do, old friend,” said Loki.  He was unperturbed when one of the shadows took the form of a hellish dog and snapped it’s jaw at his fingers.  He threw it a scrap of meat and went on with his meal.  
  
“But shall I remind you who is the storyteller among us?” Alucard asked.  
  
Loki turned up his nose, but there was a playfulness to the gesture that made it lose its potency.   
  
“That is a secret that remains in this room."  He dabbed the napkin over his mouth when he finished eating, and then vanished his empty plate to make room for dessert.  
  
"Ms. Foster.”  
  
Jane jumped at having been addressed.  It was the first time Alucard had spoken to her since they first arrived, and Loki introduced them.  She’d gotten a good look at his long, snake like tongue as he’d lowered his face to kiss her hand, and that was the kind of image that stayed with you and forever tainted your view of everything and everyone involved.  
  
“Uh… yes?”  
  
Alucard brought his gloved hands together.  
  
“You haven’t even touched your meal.  Are you unsatisfied with it?”  
  
Jane glanced at the plate again.  Whatever was on it appeared to be moving.  
  
“Um… no. I mean, I’m not unsatisfied, but I had a big breakfast, so…”  
  
His chuckle was low and visceral and sent unpleasant waves through Jane’s body.  
  
“You have no need to fear me, Ms. Foster.  I would never dream of harming to my dear friend’s lady, and may I just say, I am pleased to find that this vagabond has finally been tied down.  You must be quite the extraordinary woman to have tamed not only a god, but a god of Mischief.  I am very impressed indeed.  Now tell me, are you a virgin?”  
  
Jane squeaked at the question.  They’d been doing fine up until that point.  She was even beginning to like listening to him.  If there was any quality Alucard possessed that didn’t make her fear for her life, it was the deep, sensual quality of his voice.  Except for when he asked a question like that.  
  
The burden of answering, in the end, fell to Loki.  Jane felt him stiffen beside her, could make out the darkness of his aura even the overwhelming force of Alucard’s, and that was saying something.  Loki placed his hand on top of hers, an act that felt to Jane as claiming as if he’d pulled her onto the table and mounted her right there.  
  
“I’m sorry to say that you cannot expect to include my wife-to-be among your ranks, my friend.  The two of us have had our way with each other many times since our courtship began.  I would like for such an arrangement to continue, and to not see my Jane devest of her higher brain functions.  She has a truly excellent mind after all.”  
  
Alucard closed his mouth, which was only slightly the relief Jane had hoped it would be (or perhaps she’s too busy glaring at Loki, red in the face).  He raised a hand to placate Loki.  
  
“Just a joke, my friend.  I wouldn’t dream of taking her from you.”  
  
The visit ended after a time, and Alucard saw the two of them off into the streets of London before melting into the shadows and taking off, like he had never been there at all.  Cool, fresh air and wide open spaces welcomed Jane like an old friend.  She vowed never to leave it behind again.  
  
“Seriously, how did you meet that guy?” she asked him while they stood by the curb, awaiting a cab.  
  
“It’s a long and detailed story, but the short version is that I met him several hundred years ago following a rather embarrassing incident involving a mortal man’s wife.  It had led to his enslavement to the family of a scientist.   Van Helsing I believe he was called.  At the time, I’d gotten bored with Asgard, so I came to live on Midgard for a while under an assumed identity.  We got to talking after he deduced my true nature, and I agreed to write an account of his life with a revised ending.  He was just so humiliated to be rendered a simple servant when he had once been a king.  Death was preferable in his point of view, though sufficed to say, he has changed his mind over the years.  As a matter of fact, I think he’s very happy with his Master today.  Regardless, I wrote his fictionalized biography and had it published under my pseudonym.  I had no idea it would become a worldwide phenomenon copied by countless other vampire based stories over the years.  Who would have thought?”  
  
Loki shrugged like it was no big deal, ignoring the way Jane gaped at him like a fish before a lure.  
  
“Wait… are you trying to tell me that he was…”  
  
She couldn’t say it, but Loki’s smirk was answer enough on it’s own.  
  
“And you were…”  
  
Again, the smirk.  
  
Jane leaned against a lamp post, quite suddenly dead on her feet.  
  
“Next you’re gonna tell me you were roommates once with Wolfman,” she mumbled.  
  
“Oh, Lawrence?  Yes, he’s a remarkable fellow.  Wonderful dancer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, Loki's probably lying about how they met.
> 
> You know, probably.


	2. Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally written for Tom Hiddleston's birthday, which also happens to be Crispin Freeman's birthday. Crispin Freeman is Alucard's English VA for those who don't know.
> 
> I felt it was only right for Loki and Alucard to therefore also celebrate their birthdays on the same day.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Loki entered the living room at the precise time Jane requested in her note to him.  He’d found it taped to the bedroom door after a very rare instance of oversleeping and missing the early rise of the sun.  Her handwriting was especially large today, and a great deal more legible.  He could typically read her chicken scratch fine, but it looked like today she’d put in extra effort to make sure he understood just want she wanted him to do.

‘Now what do you have planned today, my Jane?’ he wondered as he followed her instructions.

In the living room, nothing appeared to be out of the ordinary.  The place was modestly decorated with Midgardian furnishings.  There were a few magazines and a coaster left on the coffee table from last night, and the window was open to let in the breeze.  On the side table next to the couch was an envelope bearing his name.  Loki picked it up, checking the back to see that it had not been sealed.  Inside were three slips of paper.  Two were identical to each other, and rectangular shaped.  The third was folded notebook paper.  Loki opened it up to reveal two words in black marker.

‘Turn around.’

He wouldn’t done it anyway.  Jane was a brilliant and fascinating woman, but she was not a master in the art of stealth and she never would be.

He was ready to accept her kiss long before she jumped into his arms and pressed her lips to his.  He adjusted his grip, taking her up bridal style to better reach her.  His tongue slid into her mouth and she moaned in ecstasy.  Taking her to the couch, their passionate embrace only came to an end when Jane began to paw at his shirt.  Much as he would have loved to indulge her, now was not the time.

“Happy Birthday, Loki,” she said in a breathy voice, followed by one more lingering kiss.

Loki hummed.  “You weren’t nearly this celebratory on my last birthday.”

“That’s because you didn’t tell me when it was last year.”

She got up off of him, and Loki clicked his tongue in disappointment.  She grabbed the envelope he’d abandoned from off the floor.  

“I’ve got full passes to the science convention in Boston.  It runs from today til Friday.  We’ll be able to see everything.”

“Have you not already been to these conventions as an honored guest?”

“Yeah, but that’s no fun.  It’s all scheduled where you have to be and when.  No time to stop and look around at the exhibits.  I very much prefer being just a regular patron.”

Loki smiled.  “Well, I see you’ve planned this all out very well… unfortunately, I have already made plans for today.”

Jane, in the middle of grabbing something from the fridge, stopped short.

“You what?”  She looked at him, perplexed.  “You didn’t tell me that.”

“I planned to yesterday.”  His smile became a grin.  “You, however, proved far too great a distraction.”

Jane’s cheeks turned bright red.  Last night had been a wonderful night for both of them, but it hadn’t left room for much conversation beyond, ‘Right there.  Faster.  Harder.’

“I guess if you have other plans, we could just go in the next few days,” Jane said.  “They are good for the whole convention.”

“That sounds excellent,” Loki said, leaning back into the cushions.  He could feel the air begin to change.  It was becoming colder.  

Ah.  He was early.

“You are of course free to spend the day with me and my dear friend.  I’m sure he’s eager to see you again.”

Jane, who had re-entered the living room and sat down in his lap with a fruity drink in hand, froze.  She lifted her head, eyes so wide they would fall right out of her head.

Because of course, Jane would know right away who he was talking about.  She had only met one of his friends after all.

“Loki,” she said slowly.  “You don’t mean to tell me that you made plans with-”

A dark black shadow appeared on the wall.  Darker than any shadow had a right to be.  It spread outwards until it covered the whole wall.  Then a horrifyingly grinning face appeared, red eyes gleaming as if they burned with the very fires of Hell.  The face became a head, followed by a full body.  He wore a long red coat today with a wide brimmed red hat.  There was a gun on his belt that was longer than Jane’s arm, but at least there were no hellhounds this time. 

“Hello, Jane Foster,” he said in his oh so deep and deceptively sexy voice.  “We meet again.”

Ten minutes later, they all sat around Jane’s kitchen table.  Alucard enjoyed a fresh glass of blood that Jane was afraid to ask Loki where he’d obtained it from.  They laughed at jokes she couldn’t understand and spoke of incidents from hundreds of years ago, mostly things Jane really hoped they were kidding about.

“I remember how angry that foolish king was,” Loki said, with a dark chuckle.  “Seeing his precious grounds flooded to the knees, trying desperately to remove the water, only to have it return in greater volume”

“I still wonder how you accomplished that, my friend,” said Alucard before taking a sip of his blood.  “Truly, your magic is without equal.”

“Ah, well, I learned from the very best,” Loki said fondly.  “But my friend, don’t be so modest.  You have fought more battles and left behind more dead in your wake than even the most seasoned Asgardian soldier could boast.”

“If I might be so bold, that is because they are far too satisfied with just a simple kill,” said Alucard.  “They have no care for the hunt.”

“So uh…” Jane bit her lip.  She really hadn’t wanted to contribute, but they needed to get off this subject before she lost her breakfast.  “It… sure is great that you guys make time to hang out together.  I know you both must be very busy.”

“Indeed,” said Alucard, and since it was him answering her, that unfortunately meant that he was now looking at her with this eyes…  “my master was only willing to give me this day to myself because it is the day of my birth.  I had to swear to her that I would not even consider approaching any citizens.”

“I assume she worries of international incidents should someone die at your hand on American soil.”

“That would be one of her concerns, yes.  And Jane Foster, you must remind me to introduce you to Sir Integra someday.  I’m sure the two of you would get along quite well.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Jane muttered, though honestly, she didn’t look forward to it.  Alucard was scary enough on his own, so what kind of person actually had the power to control him?

“Well, while I’ve enjoyed this light breakfast of ours, I believe we must get going if we are to make the most of our time together.”

“I agree,” said Alucard.  “Do you have any ideas, my friend?”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” said Loki, and from the look on his face, his idea was not a good one.  “Do you happen to recall the story you told me of the two American soldiers you happened upon during the war?”

Alucard thought for a moment, and then his grin somehow became wider (as Jane had quickly learned, it could _always_ get wider).  

“Why yes, I do.  A captain and a sergeant if I remember correctly.  They were quite amusing.  I wonder what became of them.”

“Then I have some excellent news for you, my friend.”

**  
Back in the recovering city of Manhattan, Bucky Barnes had just woken up from a fitful sleep.  His bones still ached from their last battle against the remains of HYDRA’s forces, and right now, he wanted nothing more than to grab some milk, chug it all down, then go and try to sleep for another hour or ten.

Opening the fridge, he found the milk right away, new and unopened.  He emptied the entire thing down his throat and threw it with perfect accuracy into the garbage can.  He shut the door again-

and came face to face with a demonically smiling young woman in a pillbox hat.  

He stared at her.

She stared back.

She spoke:

“Hello Sergeant Barnes, it’s wonderful to see you again.”

Bucky blinked.  His face turned white.  He dropped the napkin he’d been using to wipe off his face, then ran to the living room.

“Steve?  STEVE!  THAT GIRL WITH THE RED EYES IS BACK!   ** _STEEEEEEEVE_**!”


	3. Old War Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by Primus1661 and Khepri, who wanted to see how Alucard met Bucky and Steve during the war.
> 
> I actually had a fic of this written already, but having re-read it, I think I can do better. I need to show exactly how Alucard traumatized- er, met our two favorite super soldiers.
> 
> So, here we go. I hope you all enjoy!

There was enemy fire coming in all directions. Everywhere Steve looked, another shadow peeked out from behind the trees, the barrels of their guns gleaming in the light of the rising sun, their dedication to the cause of bringing them down unwavering.

At Steve's side was the smoking remains of his walkie talkie. Their single means of communication had been the first thing to go. A sniper atop a twenty foot tree took it out just as he and Bucky were crossing the path underneath. That man was on the ground now, a cooling corpse with a bullet in his throat, courtesy of Bucky. At times like this, Steve had to marvel at his best friend's reaction time and precision. One could almost mistake _him_ for the super soldier.

"How many more do you see?"

Bucky craned his neck up over the fallen tree trunk where they'd taken shelter.

"At least ten more. Maybe fifteen. Hard to tell. You sure you don't have another walkie?"

Steve had left his spare back at the base. Trust him not to think they'd be ambushed and that he might need it in case the main one got blown to pieces.

"I've got six bullets left," Bucky said. He finished reloading and dropped the empty, useless box at his feet.

"I've got three," said Steve. "Nine bullets between us, and at least fifteen guys out there."

More shots whizzed by overhead. The enemy's aim was wild, unfocused, but soon enough they would be driven out of hiding, and then they'd be sitting ducks.

"If we don't get out of this," Bucky said, "I just want you to know that it was me who popped your soccer ball that time when we were seven, not Bobby Phillips."

Steve smiled. "I thought so. And I guess I should tell you that I'm the one who put laxative in your chocolate sundae when we were nine."

Bucky blinked. "That was you?"

Something exploded a foot away, cutting Steve off and leaving behind a deafening roar in his ears that soon turned to a piercing ring. He tucked and rolled. Bucky was beside him and had just shot another sniper out of the trees. The man grunted as the bullet tore through him, but if that didn't kill him then the fall sure did.

Shots rang out even faster than before. Now that the enemy had a better gauge on their position, they had precious few seconds to think of a way to extend their lifespans.

That's when Steve saw it.

In the corner by the trees due south-southwest, was a shadow smaller than the soldiers, but too big to be an animal. Standing upright as well. Whoever it was, they walked through the trees as if out on a leisurely stroll. The bullets flying didn't faze them. They got close enough that Steve could recognize long black hair and a pillbox hat. A finely tailor white suit adorned a feminine body, pure white and untouched by the blood of so many dead.

There was a teenage girl standing in the middle of an active warzone.

"Bucky," Steve poked his friend's shoulder. "Do you see what I'm seeing?"

"You're seeing a girl with red eyes staring at us, right?"

Okay, so this wasn't a hallucination.

The girl had stopped walking. She stood unnaturally still, watching them and paying no attention to the shouts of German. Not even when bullets danced at her feet did she move. Seemed the Germans had mistaken her for some kind of unlikely cavalry. That was the last thing on Steve's mind right now, as he was too busy trying to figure out just what in God's name she was doing here.

"Hello," she said in a very deep, very _male_ voice. "Do you need help?"

Steve and Bucky looked at each other. A single shot found its target, as the girl was thrown back by a bullet to the face. Bucky shouted his surprise, then turned to take down the man who'd shot her. He was distracted, and didn't get to see the girl still standing, half her face blown away leaving ragged layers skin and leaking brain matter in its wake. He was back in time for black tendrils to escape her skull in place of blood, and the reforming of her skull as she seemed to regenerate the entire lost half of her head from absolutely nothing.

The 'girl' then unleashed a grin so wide, so manic, so well and truly evil, that felt as though the serum had been sucked from Steve's veins, leaving him a sickly weakling once more. She turned her hellish gaze to the HYDRA operatives and opened her mouth to unleash an enormous mass of black shadow. The shadows screamed with the agony of a million souls. They formed into giant doglike creatures with saliva dripping from jagged teeth. They flew over Steve and Bucky's heads. New screams now joined those of the damned. Bones and muscles tore as one by one, every enemy soldier met a fate worse than death. A severed hand landed directly in front of Bucky, who had to bring a hand up over his mouth to keep from retching.

Eventually, the torment came to a merciful end. The hellhounds were slid back into the depths of the girl-like creature, disappearing as if they'd never been there at all.

"Hmph, disgusting," the creature spat. "They all tasted like shit."

She wiped a drop of blood off her lips. It didn't stain her glove, but it did drip down, forever marring the earth.

"You were prepared to do whatever it took to make it out of here alive," 'she' said, casting those blood red eyes on them. "I find that admirable, for a pair of humans."

She turned back the way she came, her coattails swaying gently in the wind.

"Perhaps someday, our paths will cross again. Until then, farewell, Captain Rogers. Sergeant Barnes."

A gust of wind blew through the trees, and when it was gone, it had taken her with it; back to whatever circle of hell she had ascended from and into the depths of Steve's nightmares. He knew that he would never forget what had occurred here as long as he lived, even if he woke up tomorrow and convinced himself that it was all a dream.

"This never happened," Bucky said, still puce colored and shaking. "We never saw any of that."

"Saw what?" Steve asked, and like that, the pact was sealed.

**

"And that's how the three of us met," Alucard said.

He had his arms around Steve and Bucky, the two men frozen even as one of Alucard's hounds chomped on a hunk of meat at their feet. It shot a look Bucky's way every now and then, because apparently it liked the little squeak sound he made.

"Hah! How I love it when you regale us with such colorful tales," said Loki. "Truly, my friend, you know how to weave a yarn."

"It is nothing but the truth," said Alucard. He squeezed Steve and Bucky to him, making them whimper. "Is it not, gentlemen?"

"I'm still in bed," Steve repeated for the umpteenth time. "I'm still in bed, and I'm asleep, and soon I'll wake up, and this will all have been a terrible dream."

"Could you please maybe let go of us?" Bucky dared to ask. He got nothing but a grin in response and clammed up.

Loki chuckled across the table. He had an arm thrown over Jane's shoulders, but she was no less pleased by _his_ 'show of affection'.

"What if I dumped you and started dating one of them?" she asked.

That killed Loki's laughter and wiped the smile off his face, but it was not a victory for Jane. Not when the dark, heady gaze that replaced it was so very familiar to her.

"My friend, do forgive me, but I believe my Jane needs a quick lesson, shall we say."

"Of course," said Alucard. "I'll just take the time to catch up with my old war friends while you're gone."

"WAIT, DON'T US ALONE WITH HIM!" Bucky screamed.

But Loki and Jane were already gone, blinking out of existence. Alucard's hound had finished his meal and was perched on Bucky's leg, tongue hanging out and dripping blood on his lap.

"We do have much to talk about, don't we, my young friends?"

"I want to wake up now," Steve said.

"Me too, buddy," said Bucky. "Me too…"


End file.
